Well who would have thought we would make to the middle of the year so quickly and with our sanity completely intac… tatters!!!

This week I recommend a holiday from the politically correct world of sanity and sensible parenting.

This week I recommend respite parenting! A chance to parent the way you wish you could but know you shouldn’t…

Kids won’t get up? - I call this game “Flush the fish!”

Get a ladle and tell them if they are not up in 2 minutes the fish gets it.

Feel free to dip ladle into fish tank and walk to bathroom.

For the hard core you can pour the water into the bowl with something that will make an appropriate “plop” sound.

Tip for young players: make sure you haven’t actually scooped up the fish in error as that can end badly.

A word on pouring cold water over your child’s head to wake them

Um…yeah… this almost never works like you see on the TV! In fact I can almost recommend never doing it… they get very upset!

Fine!

Every time someone asks you to do something today stomp your foot and snap “FINE!”

Conveniently “forget” to make dinner, drop kids off at friends, take them to school on time, sports, do their washing…

If you are caught out say “Sor wee”, make the right noises until they are distracted then go back to doing what you want. Before you get caught throw yourself into bed for the night!

Feel like you are having trouble maintaining control in your household?

Ring someone else and tell them how he or she should be running theirs! Works a charm for your selfesteem and I’m sure they will really appreciate it!

Answer all questions with “Do you want fries with that order?”

At bedtime lean over kiss them good night and whisper, “There never were any fries….” Laugh like Count Dracula!

Boys missing the toilet?

I recommend putting a cork in the bowl, as it doesn’t flush away.

Then you can show it to your son and say “focus on the cork son, cause if you miss the bowl again you will be playing a bobbing for apples type game with it!”

Tried of making lunches that don’t get eaten?

Make lunch as usual. As they walk out the door say “hang on!”.

Pull the lunch out their bag. Take a bite out of sandwich spit back into their box and then tip the contents straight in the rubbish bin.

Return the box to the child saying “There! Saves me a job for later! Have a nice day!”

Child making you wait in the car to be collected?

Whenever they are more then a few minutes late, get out.

SKIP up to the school making sure to call out their name loudly as you approach – pet names are always a winner!

Hold their hand and insist they skip back to the car with you.

If they were chatting with friends make sure you tell them to say “bye to all their cute whittle friends!”

Daughter insisting on wearing inappropriate clothes?

Get your hands on similar items and wear them as well. (If you happen to be Madonna, please don't!)

Tell her now everyone will think you are sisters!!! (Even funnier if you get dad to do it!)

Kids keep forgetting to feed the pets?

Quietly mutter under your breath to yourself what rabbit stew really tastes like and that money is tight.

Tell the kids you’ll feed the rabbits as you like them nice and juicy.

Get caught sizing rabbit in the pot. Quickly hide the pot behind your back and go back inside.

If you have a dog let them see you trying to push dog head first into the oven. (Make sure its not on, that would be crazy!)

Finally my friends and this one is important…”

Is your child striking out? Feel like they are pulling away from you?

Take a deep breath and remove your hands from around their throat. You’re choking them too tight!